Dear Aunt Calamity

Toward the end of an 11 hour stint of holiday shopping at a suburban mall, I suddenly - and quite involuntarily - climbed up to and across a balcony in the food court, snatched an American flag off the pole, waved it about and began yelling, "We're the best. Nuke everyone!"

What the hell was that all about? Do you think I have Tourette's?

Chester K., Chicago, IL

Dear Chester:

No, but I do I think that, based on where you were, the time of year, and what you did points to a rare but seemingly pronounced episode of "transitory lyric extended hypnotic psychosis:" a condition in which one is suddenly agitated to action following a very long period of exposure to a misinterpreted subliminal message.

The next time you're in the mall, just remember: it's "Jingle" Bells NOT "Jingo" Bells.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

How do you feel about organ harvesting?

Trish G., Marseille, France

Dear Trish:

I think that, although digging them out of the ground is easy, there's not a flatbed truck in the world that can properly accommodate the range of diameters and lengths of all those pipes.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Has the dream of retiring with a million dollar nest egg become a thing of the past?

Robyn L., London, Ontario

Dear Robyn:

No, not at all. All you have to do is invest ten times that much with a financial services firm.