Ask me anything. G'wan. I dare you.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

How do you feel about organ harvesting?

Trish G., Marseille, France

Dear Trish:

I think that although digging them out of the ground is easy, there's not a flatbed truck in the world that can properly accommodate the range of diameters and lengths of all those pipes.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Has the dream of retiring with a million dollar nest egg become a thing of the past?

Robyn., London, Ontario

Dear Robyn:

No, not at all. All you have to do is invest ten times that much with a financial services firm."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

What do you suppose disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is doing these days? And what do you think he'll be up to a year from now?

Benjamin L., Urbana, IL

Dear Benjamin:

Biding time and doing time, respectively.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I heard that 7 out of 10 Republicans still think very highly of Sarah Palin. Your thoughts?

Sven P., Duluth, MN

Dear Sven:

I think that the Republicans must be hurting with only 10 members left and that Sarah's chances of winning the presidency with only 7 supporters are pretty slim.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

So the other night I'm at this bar and hear a guy crying over his beer about how he'd gone bankrupt because he'd fallen for the concept of "papal infallibility." What on earth do you suppose he's talking about?

Marty L., Gresham, OR

Dear Marty:

I would guess that he's actually referring to the concept of "PayPal infallibility."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

OMG! As I feared would happen, Google Maps has caved to the privacy extremists and blurred all of its aerial and street-level photography! Aaaaack!

Dale F., Chicago, IL

Dear Dale:

No it has not - yet. Stop drinking so much.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Sarah Palin calendars selling briskly? Come on....I can hardly believe that.

Dwight Y., Nashville, TN

Dear Dwight:

Really! It's true! However, most of the orders are coming from a novelty dart board manufacturer.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I read that trace amounts of methane had been discovered on Mars. Does that really indicate the presence of life?

Tina L., Cambridge, MA

Dear Tina:

Yes. And even more exciting, it indicates the presence of fast food restaurants.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I hear that the engineers at Microsoft have been working tirelessly to fix a serious bug in Windows Vista. Can you tell me more?

Helen G., Derby, KS

Dear Helen:

Actually, it's not a bug but, rather, an "Easter Egg" which, when triggered by holding down CNTRL and simultaneously pressing F2, F5, F6, F7, F12 and the Pause/Break, Scroll Lock and tilde keys, (virtually the same hot key combination needed to turn off MS Word's obnoxious, animated paper clip Office Assistant feature), shows a short, grainy home video of a very drunk Bill Gates in drag.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I hear "three out of four dentists" and "nine out of ten doctors" in so many TV commercials. What's up with that one dentist and/or doctor?

Vern, M., Oklahoma City, OK

Dear Vern:

There's always one who demands too high a "consulting" fee. Even drug companies have to operate within budgets.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Toward the end of an 11 hour stint of holiday shopping at a suburban mall, I suddenly - and quite involuntarily - climbed up to and across a balcony in the food court, snatched an American Flag off the pole, waved it about and began yelling, "We're the best. Nuke everyone!"

What the hell was that all about? Do you think I have Tourette's?

Chester K., Chicago, IL

Dear Chester:

No, but I do I think that, based on where you were, the time of year, and what you did points to a rare but seemingly pronounced episode of "transitory lyric extended hypnotic psychosis:" a condition in which one is suddenly agitated to action following a very long period of exposure to a misinterpreted subliminal message.

The next time you're in the mall, just remember: it's "Jingle" Bells NOT "Jingo" Bells.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I recently overheard a man whining and moaning, ad nauseam, about telephone poles - describing them as a modern blight and an offensive and obtrusive presence that is no longer needed with today's technology. I think he's being a little bit oversensitive, don't you?

Angela M., Sudbury, Ontario, Canada

Dear Angela:

Actually, I think he's referring to telephone polls.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

A friend of mine says that Endemol is causing him adverse side effects such as light-headedness, mental depression, insomnia, fatigue, catatonia, visual disturbances; hallucinations, vivid dreams, an acute reversible syndrome characterized by disorientation for time and place, short-term memory loss, nausea, vomiting, epigastric distress, abdominal cramping, diarrhea and constipation.

Why would the FDA allow a medicine with so many extreme side effects to be unleashed on the public?

Jennifer H., Worcester, MA

Dear Jennifer:

Actually my dear, your friend (no doubt a heavy consumer of network tv) is referring to the television programming company, Endemol USA, which "produces" desperately pandering tripe such as "Deal Or No Deal," "Fear Factor," "1 vs 100" and the upcoming "Lazy TV." Get your friend into detox immediately.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I seem to be especially prone to fender benders as I approach my street while on the way home from work. I do not live near any bus routes, so alternative transportation is out of the question. What should I do?

Bernie L., Fort Smith, OK

Dear Bernie:

You're living support of the statistic that states, "Over 90 percent of all car accidents happen within two miles of one's home." The answer, of course, is to move to a new house at least three miles away.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

My 32-year-old male housemate eats everything in sight, won't get a job, resists paying his share of the expenses and often wakes me up when noisly returning from late night parties. What should I do?

George O., Baltimore MD

Dear George:

Tough love is in order here. Tell your son it's time to move out and into his own place.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Why are all the programs that feature such non-mainstream subjects as aspiring chefs, aspiring pop stars, aspiring models, juvenile castaways, celebrity brats, custom motorcycle builders, etc. called "reality" shows? The bizarre behavior and surreal situations are like anything but reality for most of the population.

Penny A., Stoke-On-Trent England

Dear Penny:

The term actually refers to the "reality" within which network television execs operate - the same space inhabited by corporate CEOs. In that reality, one is beholden to maximize profit by producing the lowest quality product the consumer will still accept, at the lowest possible cost.

For a better viewing experience, try either PBS or an aquarium.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I cannot believe my eyes. I saw Christmas decorations on display in a store last weekend. There are still more than 70 shopping days until Christmas. What's up with that?

Devin B., Bowling Green KY

Dear Devin:

I hate to further alarm you, but what you saw was not this year's Christmas merchandise - it was next year's.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

My cell phone drops calls, has an erratic battery lifespan and the audio cuts out intermittently. Is there a quick fix for all three problems?

Marco F., St. Eustache, Quebec, Canada

Dear Marco:

Yes and you can find it at any home improvement store.
Ask for an "8 pound ball peen hammer."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Not too long ago, the National Geographic Society held a popular vote to determine the "New 7 Wonders Of The World." What did you vote for?

Benjamin G., Burbank CA

Dear Benjamin:

Of course this is a very subjective question, but based on their impact on and importance to me personally, here are the seven votes I submitted:

Air conditioning
Gin
Saran wrap
Deep fried pastries
Digital technology
Flat panel monitors
Term Limits

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Do you have any suggestions about dealing with a co-worker whose loud snoring is distracting me from getting caught up on my emails?

Elizebeth F., Reno NV

Dear Elizabeth:

I understand your frustration. However, it really is impolite to work while the company president is making a long speech.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Is there any single factor that contributes most to the formation of tornados?

Beverly M., Appleton, WI

Dear Beverly:

Yes. Trailer Parks.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I watch a lot of cooking shows and always wonder how they deal with the grease that surely must splatter out those high-temperature sauté pans. The cooks never seem to be concerned about that.

Elouise L., St. John, New Brunswick, Canada

Dear Elouise:

What you can't see on the televised cooking shows or in the kitchens of real restaurants is that the staff all wear ice crampons (Grivel brand "Air Tech Lights" seem to be the standard) to help them negotiate the slick surfaces below their feet.

Fun facts to know and tell: The fall that Beyoncé took recently while singing at Orlando's Amway Center was due to a sloppy cleanup of the stage, which had been used the previous night for a live broadcast of "Lydia's Kitchen" on PBS.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Are it "I is dummer than dert" or are it "I be dummer than dert"

Clem Wally-Bob Jr., Boise, ID

Dear Clem:

I feel confident that, in this case, either form is appropriate and should successfully convey your message.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Lately, I have noticed a number of objects that look like small raisins, scattered about on the floor under my desk. What should I do?

Marv G., Juno AL

Dear Marv: :

Open the Windows Control Panel. Double click on the Mouse icon. Click on the button labeled "Pointer." Under "Trails," uncheck the box marked, "Mouse Trails Enabled."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I just graduated college and am lucky enough to have two job offers. One of my potential bosses is a woman and the other is a man . Both appear to be "difficult - but the money will be worth it (and I really need a job). Any insight into which gender would be better to work for?

Ellen G., Seattle, WA

Dear Ellen:

Work for the man. Statistically speaking, men die sooner.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Why can Goofy, a dog, talk while Pluto, also a dog, cannot?

Barry F. Duluth, MN

Dear Barry:

For the same reason that causes problems with computers and consumer electronics - an annoying lack of industry standards.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

While at a party, I heard someone refer to an attractive older woman who was obviously on the prowl for younger men as a "cougar." Is there an equivalent term for an older man on the prowl for younger women?

Lisa A., Regina, SK Canada

Dear Lisa:

Yes. "Pig."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I know you are more of a cat person than a dog person, but I'm curious; which dog breed you think is most noble?

Warren F., Ocala, FL

Dear Warren:

The hot dog. It feeds the hand that bites it.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I recently moved here and am often distracted by a faint smell of fabulous home cooking - roast beef, potatoes, carrots and greens with hint of garlic. If I could find the person responsible I would hire him/her as my personal cook. Is there a way to determine the source of an odor - like some sort of odor direction finder?

Brett P., Houston, TX

Dear Brett:

I hate to rain on your parade dear, but what you smell is not home cooking. It's the bayou.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Is it true that in English grammar (unlike math), two negatives can never be combined to make a positive?

Sally E., Madson WI

Dear Sally:

Yeah, right.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I've heard that, statistically speaking, every workplace has at least one nut-case employee. Everyone at my workplace is absolutely normal. What do you think that means?

Dwayne-Bob P., Muncie, IN

Dear Dwayne-Bob:

It means that you are either unusually lucky or unusually naive.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

What's the difference between Velveeta and Cheez Whiz?

Teresa S., Riverside, CA

Dear Teresa:

The same as the difference beween Cheez Whiz and silicone-based window caulking - just three molecules.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

From the hysteria revolving around Star Wars’ 30th anniversary, one almost could conclude that the rest of 1977 was a complete news dud. Didn't anything else important happen that year?

Laura K., Farmington, NM

Dear Laura:

Yes. There was one other noteworthy event: Thomas and John Knoll whipped a little software program called "Photoshop," - which was developed for (you guessed it) Star Wars.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I am an 18-year-old male about to enter college and live away from home for the first time in my life. Can you explain laundry sorting categories to me in terms I can understand?

Dale O., Tempe, AZ

Dear Dale:

Yes. "Clean" and "dirty."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Is it true that, given enough time and a typewriter, a monkey would eventually turn out a great literary work?

Anne, G., Provo, UT

Dear Marco:

Yes it is. And it's also true that everything else the monkey wrote would be bought and produced by Hollywood, network television and the tabloids.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I just noticed that the clothespin I am holding does not actually "pin." It is a small, spring-loaded clamp. Can you think of any similar misnomers?

Marco F., De Witt, ME

Dear Marco:

Sure. They are everywhere you look. F'rinstance:

"Public servants" actually are "self-serving, incompetent gadflies"

"Media companies" actually are "desperately pandering,
  money-grubbing sewage farms"

"Shareholders" actually are "gullible, cash-leaking patsies"

Dear Aunt Calamity:

United States Senator Ted Stevens used the phrase 'series of tubes' to describe the internet and is being ridiculed for using an oversimplified descriptor. Why? I prefer something succinct - not long and complicated.

Melanie R., Halifax, Nova Scotia

Dear Melanie:

Me too, but it needs to create a strong visual that captures the concept's true essence. That's why I prefer "a B-52 hangar filled to the ceiling with tangled coat hangers."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Why is it that women seem to be universally obsessed with shoes?

Ted. J, Greenwood, LA

Dear Ted:

I suppose it's the same reason we're obsessed with men - we just adore that lovely warm feeling we get when we walk all over them.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I've always wanted to strike out on my own. What's the best way to get started?

Howie M., Rapid City, SD

Dear Howie:

1. Ask family members/roommates to leave the house.
2. Complete the application process at www.hotenough.org.
3. Wait.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I heard that at his recent Berkeley lecture, Stephen Hawking suggested that all matter in the universe came from nothing. That's a very difficult concept to get my head around. Can you explain?

Bert F., Chatham-Kent, MI

Dear Bert:

Sure. Might help if I point out that you already understand a very similar concept: "all politicians are nobody."

For example, who will stay corruption-free once elected? Nobody. Who works for the average joe and not special interests? Nobody. Who will run a clean campaign? Nobody. Who is not a two-faced, gravy sucking Teflon greasepan? Nobody.

You get the idea.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

What are the proper terms for attorneys who represent fruit growers, cosmetic surgeons, electric guitar manufacturers and martial arts movie stars?

Gail P., Olympia, WA

Dear Gail:

Respectivley: Plum-plucking scum-sucking weasels, tum-tucking scum-sucking weasels, hum-bucking scum-sucking weasels and nun-chucking scum-sucking weasels.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

What are the five most important things to consider when choosing a place (in the world) to live?

Mary S., Linköping, Sweden

Dear Mary:

Everyone has different needs. My personal criteria fit into what I refer to as the BLONK index:

- B Bimbo/bimbeau count (scenic views)
- L Liquor distillery proximity (recreation potential)
- O Odor rating (effluent discharge volume of local politics )
- N Neat-freakiness (tidiness, absence of gum on sidewalks)
- K Kewlness (Bohemian factor/prevalence of arts scene)

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Drug companies claim that the money they spend on research and development justifies the price they charge for their products. Do you buy that argument?

Taylor L., Oak Bluffs, MA

Dear Taylor:

As a former R&D pro, I can tell you that research and development is very expensive. It takes an enormous amount of time and money to create splashy ad campaigns that bring to your attention medical conditions you've never heard of, convince you that you have them and bribe the doctors you subsequently consult to prescribe their drugs.

Fortunately, for you and me, the drug companies are working to contain those R&D costs by leasing their marketing pros to political action committees.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Why do we use the name "medium" to refer to non-tangible communications vehicles such as television and radio?

Dale C. Georgetown, KY

Dear Dale:

Because, as the name implies, they are neither rare nor well done.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I hear that Apple Records and Apple Computer have finally made up regarding their long-standing trademark dispute. Do you have any additional details?

Ellen B., Lakeland, FL

Dear Ellen:

Yes I do. From this point forward, the "Mac" will be known as the "JohnPaulGeorgeRingo" and the Beatles will be known as
"I And The Pods."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

How do you feel about legalized, high-stakes gambling?

Ronnie P., Baltimore, MD

Dear Ronnie:

I feel that voting is both a privilege and a civic duty, so I'm okay with it.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

We have a huge argument going on at work about the proper way to pronounce the second day of the week. Half of the staff says it's "Tyousday" and the other half insists it's pronounced "Twosday." Can you help put this to rest so we all can get back to what we're supposed to be doing?

Alice M., Chattanooga, TN

Dear Alice:

Happy to help. The second day of the week is pronounced "Monday."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

Yet another year is beginning and I still have not found the answers I seek on my journey. Perhaps you can help.

What is the key to life? What is the way of happiness? And finally, what is the truth revealed?

Bryan I., Anderson, IN

Dear Bryan:

I have heard those questions many times over the years, but never had a definitive answer - until now.

According to my friends over at Mother Jones magazine, "the key to life," "the way of happiness" and "the truth revealed" are….drum roll please…registered trademarks of The Church Of Scientology.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I hate college. Every professor in the building thinks I am an idiot and the students constantly make fun of me behind my back. Can you give me one reason I should continue to subject myself to this sort of cruel ridicule and mistreatment?

Bernadette F., Hoboken, NJ

Dear Bernadette:

Life is can be downright unkind, but you are just going to have to find a way to deal with those difficulties. And I'm sure you'll come up with a solution - that s why you're the dean.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I want to quit this stinking job and become a poet, but I think I have to be oppressed to be successful. How can I tell if I am truly oppressed?

Peter K., Saginaw, MI

Dear Peter:

You automatically qualify as oppressed if:

- Your car is more than half as old as you are
- You moved to the burbs against your will
- Your name is Wally, Elmer, WeeWee or Clem
- Your immediate boss is also your father/mother-in-law-to-be

You cannot be oppressed if:

- You drive any model of Land Rover
- You receive any sort of regular royalty or trust fund payment
- You have a compound surname such as Bonét-Slugrat
- You are allowed to drink on the job


Hope that helps. For more detailed information, listen to Dylan.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

My girlfriend is drop-dead gorgeous. However, she thinks she knows everything (even though she is utterly clueless), has no idea how hard I work each day (or what I even do) and seems to think it’s okay to tell me what to do and how to behave while sitting on her butt inspecting her nails. Should I dump her?

Scott W., Chesapeake, VA

Dear Scott:

Move on. And remember: dating the Human Resources manager is never, ever a good idea.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

What are the proper terms for groups of Perl programmers, Java programmers and SQL programmers?

Lisa L., Miami, FL

Dear Lisa:

Individually, a "strand," a "pot" and a "table." Collectively, "the folks who actually run the joint."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

When did Prince revert to using his real name?

David T., Chicago, IL

Dear David:

About the same time he got tired of typing "The Bank Account Formerly Known As Full."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I'm getting different opinions about which foundation I should use to build high performance web applications. Some people tell me .NET is the only way to go. Others recommend LAMP. What do you use?

Graziano M., Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Dear Graziano:

Either will work, so choosing one probably will depend more on your comfort level than your needs.

I personally prefer LAMP (Linux+Apache+MySQL+ Perl).
However, like many open source stacks, it's dependent on another critical, underlying layer which I call BLOCK: Ball peen hammer+Luckies+Obscenities+Caffeine+Knowledgebases.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I just heard that a researcher has determined that the male IQ is 3.6 percent higher than the female IQ. I don't think so. I can run mental circles around every guy in my department. What's your take on the study?

Susan B., Pittsburg, PA

Dear Susan:

I received many e-mails this week about the controversial statement made by Prof. Phil Rushton, who seems to have a penchant for stirring up trouble.

Fret not my dear. IQ is but a small part of the much larger, contextual picture. Raw intelligence requires a proportional amount of street smarts to function well in the real world and, in that regard, men seem to be lacking.

Consider these lesser known but carefully researched "Q's:"

POBLBTSTAFD-Q
"Pobble Betty Staffdee-Q"
Probability Of Becoming Lost Because Too Stupid To Ask For Directions Quotient
Men 87.3%, Women 4.1%

POBSIPWOF-Q
"Pobbs Ippeewoff-Q"
Probability Of Being Seen In Public With Open Fly Quotient
Men: 93.2% Women: 1.2%

PODFBAER-Q
"Pod Fibby Ayer-Q"
Probability Of Drinking Finger Bowl At Exclusive Restaurant Quotient
Men: 98.7% Women: 3.7%

PODOMBUTC-Q
"Podo Embee Uttsy Q"
Probability Of Dying Of Malnutrition Because Unable To Cook Quotient
Men: 19.2% Women: .9%

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I play folk/rock music in the subway on the weekends, as I love to perform in public and it calms my brain after a heavy week of programming. Trouble is, I'm always forgetting my pocket tuner or running out of batteries. Without it, I'm likely to tune my guitar so my voice is out of range and thus embarrass myself.

I've heard about a course that can "teach" perfect pitch (the ability to name any note by ear). Is that really possible or is it a hoax?

Allen W., Atlanta, GA

Dear Allen:

Don't risk your rupees. Just use your cell phone or ask to borrow one from a passerby. The standard US dial tone is a perfect F natural.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

What a face! Have you ever been mistaken for a man?

Biff D., San Antonio, TX

Dear Biff:

Nope. How about you?

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I've heard that the term "bug" was coined after a researcher found an actual insect inside an early computer. Is that true?

Ben G., Yonkers, NY

Dear Ben:

There are several stories about the source of the term "bug," including Edison's use of it in 1878 and, of course, researcher Grace Hopper's 1947 discovery of a moth stuck in a relay within a prototype Mark II electromechanical computer at Harvard.

However, the first widespread use of the term can be attributed to the night I drove my new '69 VW Beetle off the road and through the wall of the computer lab at UCLA after attending a three day groove-in at UCSB with Glen Culler and Burton Fried.

"Bug" was coined the next morning, April 6, 1969, during a phone conversation between Steve Crocker and Vint Cerf:

Crocker: "Hi Vint. Afraid the ARPANET transmission will have to wait until tomorrow. We have a little problem."

Cerf: "Problem? What problem?"

Crocker: "Looks like a bug."

Dear Aunt Calamity:

My roommate and I have been arguing about which component of a balanced breakfast is most critical to the early morning problem solving capacity of a software engineer: liquids, fiber, protein or carbs. Any insight on that?

Bob and Brennan, St. Louis, MO

Dear Bob and Brennan:

All of those components are important and somewhat dependant on each other. Try this broad-spectrum and extremely convenient solution: one 16 oz dark European beer over a full serving (30g) of General Mills Whole Grain TOTAL.

You'll get water for hydration, plenty of fiber, sufficient protein, loads of carbs, lots of iron (grab a magnet and see for yourself) all your vitamins and, most importantly, a positive, can-do attitude!

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I am the sole, underpaid and underappreciated IT support person at a relatively large company. I am preparing to ask for an overdue raise. Is there any single strategy I can use to get what I feel I deserve?

George L., Portland, OR

Dear George:

Disable the mail server ten minutes before the review and feign an oncoming case of the flu during the review. Always worked for me.

Dear Aunt Calamity:

I heard that math savant Grigory Perelman's Poincare Conjecture solution has finally been proved, but that he refuses to communicate with academics or accept the $1 million dollar prize. What's up?

Brock Z., Cambridge, MA

Dear Brock:

As you know, in its original form, the Poincaré conjecture states that every simply connected closed three-manifold is homeomorphic to the three-sphere, where a three-sphere is simply a generalization of the usual sphere to one dimension higher.

In lay terms, the problem revoloves around whether or not a torus (doughnut shape) can be turned into a sphere (Limbaugh shape) without tearing the surface skin. Dear Grigory's elegant solution was indeed proved, thus all the commotion.

Sadly though, he was unwise enough to undertake a similar challenge I delivered to him via FedEx: "Can you eat these four cases of Krispy Kreme doughnuts without turning into a sphere?"

He ate the lot, swelled up to a point at which he could no longer see his own hands, and thus has been unable to email, answer the phone or leave his apartment.