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See? Didn't I tell you that would happen? AUGUST, 2010 Born this month: all those people at the park wearing shades and earbuds are actually CIA agents watching you. Try not to act suspicious.
You receive a coded transmission from planetoid L-572 through your 1970's clock radio. The Blue Pod People instruct you to execute your top-secret, mission-critical surprise attack immediately! As you stand in the middle of the freeway, wrapped in a protective layer of clear plastic sheeting, waiting for your magic turnip to discharge its proto-beam and liquefy all humanity, a semi flattens you. Earth is saved!
At a party, you feel isolated and lonely. The answer, of course, is to fling yourself, with wild abandon, into the middle of the action. I would recommend either a long-jump into the potato salad or a flying forward one-and-a-half somersault pike into the punch bowl.
Something amazing happens during a heated argument with your boss. As he rants at you, neck veins-a-bulging, you imagine him turning into a cloud of dust - and he does! Poof. When you clean up, be sure to use the company vacuum with the built-in HEPA filter - you don't want anyone's allergies to flare up.
You decide to introduce your coworkers to the two sock puppets you keep in your desk and explain that they should get some of the credit for your efforts as they are involved in most key decisions. Important note: that's a really, really bad idea.
You go to a tanning booth so you can at least look healthy like the despicable fit skinny people. There is an electrical power surge and you come out glowing like an incandescent bulb. You're in pain, and rush to your physician, who laughs so hard he dies of a massive coronary. Bummer - now you'll have to show your bright red self to another doctor - and a stranger at that!
Closely examine what's really important to you: Cap'N Crunch. Velveeta. Beer. Tums. The Sci Fi Channel. Sleeping alone so you can fart at will. Now, cancel that silly Yahoo Personals subscription and go buy some more beer. And hurry! "A Boy And His Dog" is on at 9 p.m.!
You spike your department's coffee with valium just before what promises to be a tense meeting in which you'll have to sell others on your project proposal. It works! Everyone is jovial and relaxed and able, for the first time, to loosen up and see the big picture - so much so that they vote to have you fired, effective immediately.
You read about a newly discovered virus that is deadly, has no cure and when initially contracted, causes narrow-field double vision. Whew. Thannk gooddnneess youu aree ass healltthhyy ass aann ooxx.
You decide to create an outrageous and thus lucrative new fashion trend and assemble a snappy three piece suit made of thinly sliced roast beef. Sadly, as you take it out for its first outing, you run into a massive 10K Dog and Owner Run put on by the local chapter of PETA.
You've waited for years for this moment and should relish every second. Finally, you are making your mark on the world! I do wonder though about the wisdom of writing your real name in 6 foot letters on the side of the State Capitol building.
You decide it's time for a midlife recharge. You cloister yourself at a remote cabin for the entire month. You strip yourself of all that is worldly. You eat meager rations, forego booze and tobacco, sit in complete silence and meditate from dawn to dusk. Upon your return, you discover that all of humankind has left Earth and colonized Mars. Finally - you can park anywhere you want!
To impress your hot date you order for both of you, en français, at a snooty French restaurant. But when the food arrives, your date freaks out and loudly accuses you of trying to kill her by feeding her shellfish - the one food to which she is deathly allergic. |
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