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Home Sweet Home
Ask Aunt Calamity
All About Auntie C
Aunt Calamity's Cyber Dating Guide
The Diss Array
Ghost In The Machine
Haiku
Horrorscopes
In The Kitchen
Thelma's Jumpgate
The Language Lab
Last Straw Poll
The Lip Glossary
The Rumpus Room
Separated At Birth?
Testing 1-2-3
Thelma's To-Do List
Ping Me

 

 

 

 


I love haiku. It's pure and efficient, just like gin.


Drunk
Ho Ho! Ho Ho Ho!
Ho Ho HO HO HO Ho Ho!
Mall Santa is drunk.


Torture
Meow Mix theme song,
Over and over - and LOUD.
Torture is so wrong.


Invisible
Facebook is creepy
Conjurs ghosts of distant past
Time to unlist phone


Void
Barren, empty void.
All mankind has vanished. Poof!
I have wicked gas.


Yawn
Morning comes early
"Spring forward" makes me crazy
Sleep cycle train wreck


Priority
Digital TV:
I need a box to watch you?
I'd rather buy beer.


Exit
Law of gravity:
Whatever bubbles will burst
McMansion for sale.


Butter
Poor St. Nicholas,
Jammed halfway up my chimney!
Too many cookies.


Decoy
Telemarketer,
Sign me up! Here's some info
I just created.


Knot
Only coat hangers
Are harder to untangle
Than ornament hooks


Chains
Chain law in effect.
First blizzard of the season.
Must Goth up the tires!


Sewage
Sex and violence!
Network sweeps have just begun.
Gag me with shovel.


Game
Blank Caller ID.
And call-center background noise.
Prepare to be "punk'd!"


Spies
RFID tags.
I battle the tiny spies!
Magnetic long-johns!


Everywhere
Corn syrup. Lead paint.
Impossible to avoid.
World domination.


Launch
Lovely Trebuchet,
Fling thy payload heavenward.
Melons make best sound.


Shrinking
New! Shrinking products!
Same great price but smaller size!
Gouging in disguise.


Cheat
I love counting cards.
Algorithm perfected.
Give me your money.


Lipstick
Wow! Windows Vista!
Now I can crash my machine
Even prettier.


Drill
Pogo stick, golf cleats,
Gorilla glue and duct tape.
Let us now aerate!


Puncture
I love Air Castles!
But they sure do not like me.
Must be the high heels.


Constipation
Big fat paper jam.
Printer is constipated.
Fetch the olive oil.


Odor
Light rail smells funny.
Humanity sardine can.
BO smorgasbord.


Delicate
State of art cell phone,
Almost as thin as paper.
Doesn't crease well though.


Hostage
Printer was dirt cheap,
But the wolf wore sheep's clothing.
Ink cartridge hostage.


Stain
This toner feels cool.
Jet-black, slippery powder.
Uh-oh. Won't wash off!


Seduction
Fat jelly doughnut!
Soft, deep-fried precursor to
Angioplasty.


Hush
Once, the web was grey.
No formatting to speak of.
Such peace and quiet.


Deafness
iPod changed my life.
Earbuds made me look so cool!
Now I am stone deaf.


Joke
Boss is so funny.
Wants me here on Saturday!
Won't be happening.


Energy
This keyboard is hosed.
The f and g do not work.
Where is my hammer?


Silence
My packets are lost!
Can you hear me now? Hell no.
This VOIP stuff is poop.


Sweet
Diet Coke. Mentos.
Supermarket alchemy.
Foamy explosions!


Joy
Mmmm. Juicy bacon!
Makes everything taste better!
Thank goodness for stents.


Cauldron
Fire! Fire! Melting lips!
My Habaneros kick butt.
I love gene splicing.


Garbage
Piece of crap printer
Soars like a sparrow as I
Heave it off the bridge.


Storage
Twenty billion gigs
Of brand new SCSI hard drive
Still won't be enough.

Failure
Where The Wild Things Are
Who could hose 10 sentences?
Answer: Hollywood.


Trim
Dumb GPS fins.
Obnoxious status symbols
Snap off easily!


Puncture
Clamshell packaging -
impossible to open.
Please fetch the Semtex.


Gift
Found the perfect gift
For my weasel-goober boss:
Pointy, cone-shaped stool!


Sweet
I rattle, quiver!
Could it be a real earthquake?
Nope. Too much sugar.


Hunger
Velvet black, like coal,
Supper incinerated.
I could burn water.


Quiet
Dear Sarah Palin:
Kindly stop moving your mouth.
Really. Cease speaking.


Pointless
Daylight savings time!
Dark is now light; light is dark.
That is so messed up.


Germs
Carrier of germs,
Bacteria, viruses!
Oh filthy touch screen.


Fire
Laptop is on fire!
2K marshmallow toaster!
Chinese batteries.


Useful
My groovy Roomba:
Awesome disc for Frisbee golf,
And it cleans the floor!


Gasp
Mmmm. Smooooooth aroma!
Buttery diacetyl!
New lung disorder!


Exit
iPod listener:
Are you moved to sing "out loud?"
Then please move "outside."


Trance
You walk, hypnotized
By your new iPhone's beauty.
Then the bus hits you.


Excuse
Heatwave has returned.
Good excuse to drink more gin:
Armpits are leaking.


Cretin
Hmm. I'm just not sure.
Which country lies to the north?
Didn't pass fifth grade.


Annoying
Yes, we can hear you.
Every single boring word.
Kindly shove cell phone.


Coax
New PC won't boot,
Needs loving affirmation.
Pass the 9 iron.


Angst
Dread, fear and loathing.
Prepare ye for tide of doom.
School's out in two weeks.


Error
My Beetle just rocks.
Watch me push those RPMs!
Oops. I threw a rod.


High Tide
No global warming?
How can you say that, you dunce?
Soon, you'll float away.


Pest
Instant messenger,
Whack-A-Mole on my desktop:
Put a sock in it.


Infatuation
Caffeine-laced donuts!
Gooey, air-puffed breakfast buzz.
Yes, there is a God.


Ice Age
Dear weather lady,
Blizzard-conjuring priestess:
STOP the freaking snow.


Pajamas
Fruit Salad Island.
Cap'N Crunch and Heineken.
Saturday Mornings!


Switch
You were so geeky.
He was the football hero.
Now he works for you.


Consequence
Hot new hammer drill.
Solid granite turns to dust!
Sinus infection.


Rejection
Oh strobing banner,
Seizure-inducing cheese ball,
Dream on. Me no click.


Antique
My 486.
Bleeding-edge, back in the day.
Now it's a doorstop.


Defeat
Polygon army
Overwhelms my GPU,
Brings it to its knees.


Energy
I drank nine lattes.
I could bench press a tractor.
I must tinkle. Now.


Mystery
Please hand me that wire.
Thanks! You have solved the puzzle!
The other wire's live.


Agony
So you wear a tie.
Stop whining you big sissy.
You want pain? Try hose.


Breakfast
Cursor skips and hops!
Is my workstation sickly?
Nope. Just some toast crumbs.


Sorrow
Ack! Blue screen of death.
My spreadsheet vanishes, poof.
Time for some straight gin.


Fool
Powerful boss man,
We joke about your toupee
When you leave the room.


Princess
Oh anchor bimbo,
The gleam from your whitened teeth
Gives me a migraine